The Craziness that is Me

Why lighting bugs? Well for starters, even as a kid no matter what I was feeling or what is going on, if I saw a lighting bug, I would smile.

At this moment for me, things aren't going so great. Sure things are pretty ok, but not as a good as they should be and it's been this way for a while, and what I found funny and amazing is that since I started to feel this way, I've seen nothing but lighting bugs every where. This is no exaggeration. I don't think I've experience this many lighting bugs in all of my existence.

I had first spotted one as usually whenever I am home, one or two flying in the backyard. Next, was pretty normal too, I saw them in the front yard. But then, one landed on me while in Pete's work van with the windows up. After that one randomly landed on me in my bedroom. There was also it seemed like a hundred of them all over the place no matter where I went. It was an amazing. Lately though, they have slowed down in numbers which sadden me slightly but they're still out there for me to smile at. I still laugh though, because even though they have slowed, even during my most scared of times one can be randomly found sitting on my wall in a place where all I have to do is look up and smile.

That's how I know God loves me.

It is officially as of 2:30pm today, I have entered my summer vacation. I never seem to escape having one. All my life, come June 25, 26. 27, I say HELLO SUMMER! I also remember my friends and I chanting "No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers dirty looks" lol Except now, I'm not the student but the teacher. And I have no idea what they're talking about with dirty looks, I never give any of my students that. =P

It's an interesting circle though to say the least, and I'm not saying that because I'm the teacher. I'm saying that because all those summers came after a school year at Sachem. Now, here I am, once again back with my old childhood chum though at least this time I'm getting paid for it (for a good part of the year anyways). =) I must admit though, it is nice to come back and being in a different building other than the ones I knew and loved, is a nice change. It's like coming home with a new scenery. Everything is still there just the foliage is different and couple of new things have sprouted up.  Interesting enough, the same thing can be said about my life. Just like my old school days what I thought would be there still, or at least hoped for, isn't. The friends I loved for closed to a decade are no more, the man I thought I was marrying has gone off and married some one else and the curriculum of my life has changed to a slow pace in order to appreciate the days of youth spent with a child that is not mine lol. But I'm not sad. Not anymore anyways. I will admit there were times were I was like "what the fuck!?" and the realization that I didn't mean at all that much to some any more who still meant the world to me, really took a chunk out of me that is still healing. But I'm ok. I took comfort in those who for a shorter amount of time have never strayed and even with the same obstacles or slightly different versions in front of them still stayed true, and I am grateful to God for that. I think if I didn't have them I wouldn't have survived that type of disappointment, shame and grief. I also thank him for having repeated offenders in my past to prepared me for today, or I should say yesterday's present. Thanks God. I don't know what I would've done without you. I know I surely wouldn't be here right now praising you. =)

Outside of those things though, I do feel like I have come into a warped kind of full circle. I have a loving boyfriend, who replaced the old one I had, who is also more legit then the previous. Around 2012, I have a feeling we will be hearing wedding bells and me with very cold feet and him with a knot the size of watermelon in his stomach. (hehe). Needless to say though, it's already written in the stars and I'm glad that this is for real this time.

The school thing is an obvious circle though not complete, but it's ok, it'll still fits into my plans. =) Sometimes though I do wonder if I stood home what would've been... but then I think about all the wonders I found in Geneseo and I'm glad I went. =)

Friends, well that's obvious. Though I am still dragging my foot with that one. Note I said foot not feet on purpose. I got one already running down the block and the other still at the end of the driveway. Some things are hard to let go probably because there was no real closure but that's what happens when I care too much and it's not reciprocated. If it were, I'd probably have both feet with me right now. Oh well. Enough on that.

SO SUMMER... Summer of love? Sure, Peter and I are going to go far, far away and have a wonderful time alone in paradise where no one will find me for quite some time and when they do I will be the one glowing with a huge ass smile on her face =) God I love that man, he's so good to me.

Summer of fun? Most likely. I have plans for fishing, camping, visiting some awesome friends in PA (you two know who you are!) and working my tush off to get my tush back lol. I know that doesn't sound like fun but I gotta say I love working out. Plus, I wanna see what I'm really capable of this time around. I got so far a decade ago with less focus, this time I wanna see where my real plateau is. That kind of competition should be interesting. (Note: I know that's not that exciting reading but trust me with the right kind of mind and music, and of course gym buddy that stuff can be! =) )

Summer of sleep? Haha! Yea right! I'm going to be working days at my massage therapist's office. Yes I said MY MASSAGE THERAPIST. lol. He needed help, I needed a summer job, seeing how I'm pretty much one myself, hey works for me. (Summer job... ah makes me feel like a kid again, lol) Then afterwards coming home to babysit the baby, gotta love him, then of course from M-F gym after the baby leaves, then the weekends with Pete. I'm never going to sleep! lol Well maybe at Pete's I will. hehe =)

Ah summer... Please, Please, I beg of you go slow as possible! I'm going to miss teaching but I don't want September to come that quickly nor do I want to start being a student again that quickly too. (Grad school starts then twice a week, joy).

Yep full circle, almost... Hello Summer 2008. =)

Wow it has been  a while. Last time I wrote on here I think I was still in Geneseo and that was a long ass time ago  it feels. So what is new with me? Well, I've been accepted into Long Island University and I will be getting my masters in Literacy Education were I will be certified as a Literacy Specialist K-6, after that I'll be hopefully starting my administrator leadership certification so that one day I can rule the schools of Sachem or any other district as it's principal =) 

I'm also currently a permanent substitute for one of the middle schools in Sachem (which is my old district aka dream job) and I've been working hard getting most of the ELA students ready for their ELA's (State English exam) that I'll get the chance to grade next week... joy.

Hmm, what else? Pete and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary on December 27th. He bought me a beautiful diamond cross. Very simple but very elegant and it cost him a lot of money, too much to spend on me but as he says "i'm worth it" better be for all the nonsense he causes sometimes, lol. Yes he's still a pain but he has been working on it. He even has it be one of his resolutions this year so we're happy =) 
For Christmas he bought me a new digital camera so I can start taking lots of photos which I have been putting up on myspace (www.myspace.com/lucebianca) a gun thermometer (I saw it on Good Eats, you just point it and it takes the temperature... soo cool), a huge box of Christmas morning tea bc I had finished the last of the one he gave me in Feb in November (I know I was shocked too it lasted that long lol) he also bought me a new pair of glasses that make me look "teacher-esc" and contacts =) See he's a good boy =)
ps
My nephew is obsessed with him! Whenever he sees him it's like "screw the aunt, give me Pete! OOOO YAY!!! PETE!!!" lol it's very cute!


hmm..... HAPPY NEW YEAR! lol 

and really that's it I guess. I copied my one and only Fredo and started a new blog on google. I tend to do more of my writing on there and actually you can see my pictures too from there. If you ever wanna read up on that go to www.thegodfather48.blogspot.com  On there you'll find my random thoughts and my gym journal that I've started. Pete purchased a gym membership for me bc I put on too much weight and was complaining about my hip and knee, and when I said I thought the gym might help he decided to do that for me. I wasn't going as much as I was suppose to bc for a while there I was working two jobs and barely cutting it with expenses and gas is expensive! But now I'm working just the one and doing a lot of other things around the school to make extra income and with grad school in the picture my loans were deferred for the time being, yay! So that means I can actually start getting rid of my c.c. bills and get on track and save some money because come 2012 this girl will most likely be off the market and by then I need to have enough saved to purchase a house and pay half of what I want. =P Plus if the cards play it right, by then the world will be in utter chaos anyways and with Easter being on my bday again that year I'm sure there will be no need for whatever money I do have saved, lol.

Alrighty, I think that is enough catching up for now. Like I said before check out www.thegodfather48.blogspot.com to keep yourself really updated on me. I don't really get to get on here that much cause I tend to forget it exists lol. But life has really been busy too. For example, Cassie has been on Long Island since August/September and Friday is the first time I've been able to see her. =)

my life sucks. It truly does. I just want to escape things right now. I wanna go some where were I can just sleep all day, get high while I'm awake, fish for a while, eat cheesecake and then pass right the fuck out to wake up doing it all over again. 

I miss my uncle. =( 

It's been seven years and you would think it would be easier but it's not. It's just as bad as it was seven years ago. And I can't talk to anyone. I feel so weak when I do and my family just looks at me strangely and tells me to get over it so this year I've kept it all in and when no one is around I cry, I cry really bad. But now I'm pushing everyone away from me. I wrote to Pete and told him I was going MIA so he wouldn't get worried. I posted a bulletin and a blog on myspace saying I was going away for a while. The truth be told is that I'm staying right here expect I'm just really more of a vegetable that wants to be left alone to sulk and to mourn. I didn't even get a chance yet to mourn over my Aunt Roselyn's passing which is more then likely playing more into this and my cycles are all messed up because I have put on too much weight that even my right hip kills me along with my tmj ALWAYS acting up for the past few weeks. 

I don't know what to do. I usually get sad around this time, I'm use to it. But then I think I'm going back to school and things will be different and I'll go to class, get better grades and be with people who I cherish so much  but not this time. There is no more going back to school (at least in the terms of Geneseo) there is just here and I've lost one of my closest friends to my brother, surprise surprise, though she hasn't really been my friend for a quite sometime now at least not in my definition of one. And I have Pete but he's a pain in my ass a lot, teasing me like his little sister because he's still a child and doesn't know any better. I have my friend Lyndsie on occasion, a few AD's that are too busy and are MIA at the moment in their lives for me to see and then my true best friend in the world is going back to the one place I would love to be at right now soon.

Things are like college, summer, etc are temporary, remember that. But this feeling I have inside is permanent. Nothing is going to change it no matter how much time passes, no matter how much I smoke or valium I take for my TMJ. Life just sucks and sometimes, on days like this I wish I wasn't living any more.

I  really do. All I want to do is sleep all day, get stupid when I am awake, and then go back to sleep. I don't want to go to work but I guess it'll give me a chance to not think about it though when I get home I know I will be. I just miss him so much. Next year it'll be on the exact day that he passed. I'll never forget it either, just as I was on my way to get in the car to go visit him, mom came home, gave Mike and I the news and that was it for me. Not only did I fall literally straight to the ground, unable to move a part of me died too. My heart aches for him every day and more so on this particular one. I just want to be alone, stay in bed and dream of him. But I can't. I have to go to a job that still hasn't paid me, for a closing shift that I know will have a lot of returns and I don't want to do. I wanna wear his cross he gave me for my confirmation that I just can't find any where. All I have are his pictures in my room to look upon when I come home later.

I hate this day. I really do. And I lied, I don't want to really be alone. I want someone to comfort me because I know when he went, he was alone. He called the night before pleading for us to come and help him but my mom thought he was just being his crazy Uncle Mimi self. Unfortunately though, he wasn't, he was dying. He was made to leave this earth alone and I only wish I would had made it to him sooner that day instead of letting others kick their feet waiting to go. Then at least he wouldn't had been alone and I could've had the chance to say good-bye.

=(

ti amo sempre zio mimi

Oct. 6, 1929(?) to August 15, 2000

I was looking through some pictures and some old friends profiles and looking at their photos, and what I have found is that one, I should had been a hermit when I was freshman and came out when I was older (kinda like my high school years...lol), I also came to realised how much I'm going to miss the people I have grown to become so use to. Going away to school is not like high school were when summer starts and ends, every one is in drivable distances from each other if not walking. But when you go away, you're away from all your friends and those who you love dearly usually though for a little while. You tend to forget that just like the vacations are temporary so is the journey college takes you on. It's so odd not going back. Everyone is getting ready to go back and those who already left still live in upstate NY so it wasn't as if I wasn't still seeing them that extra year I was there. A big part of me wishes I was there now. These past few weeks have been up and all over the place, and I just wish I had one of them, just one of my friends from school for me to cry on. They have all became such apart of me that I'm ok crying in front of them. They comfort me and allow me to do so with complete understanding of what I need and make me feel better. I have those here I can talk to, I can rely on but I would never cry in front of (unless on accident or truly stressed but I always stop myself from continuing) but I need to cry, truly cry and just let it out. I wanna cry for my great-aunt who passed, I wanna cry for those I've lost, for the stuff that's inside me that I never let out.

Tomorrow is my grandmother's 80th birthday and it was her sister who just passed too. For her, after work I will smile, and I will be happy. But as the days roll closer to Wednesday I'm gonna get sadder and sadder. This year makes seven years that I never got the chance to say good-bye to the one man I loved more then any one in this world (well, I loved him as much as I love my daddy and we all know how much I love him). I sadly have to work so my tradition of going to the bluff in smithtown and looking out over the water leaving him a rose is out but I guess it's a blessing in disguise as I'll be some what distracted during the 7 hour night shift. I feel too much and I wish I could be with those right now who cheer me up so quickly making the biggest asses of themselves in front of me, or rubbing their boobs in my face (the girls anyway) or the guys just making me forget for a while by taking me some where random in nature to hang out. I've become so dependent on my Geneseo family that it pains me now thinking of going through this week without them and continuing into the fall with all of them so far away from me.

God I miss them. I love you.

lol..... I want the following....

to go swimming... to play in the rain.... to have a corn dog.....and a reese sundae.. play in the park.... go fishing... get my hands on The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind... S'Mores on a stick....MULA... go on a picnic... have Chinese... SLEEP (lol) ..... an ultimate pedicure.... a hair-cut.... a night out with the girls.... a weekend getaway with the boy... a day to sleep in... play a game of volleyball in the sand..... eat movie popcorn with lots of butter.. lol.. go sailing... have a spontaneous romantic gesture given to me =) .... to have a real massage..... lay in the sun.... go to a science and art museum... go to the zoo...get new contacts & glasses....play in Greenport....go Apple Picking... play in at the farms... smash grapes with my feet! lol.... learn italian the right way.... play with finger paints and playdo....go to Staen Island to visit Andge... Take my Big around the city..... Fly a Kite.....Finish my painting.....

                              .....................................i like these lists. They're fun to write and think of...  =)

A part of me feels like I've wasted it all away
The sweat, the tears, the joys  --- wasted
Too stressed, went overboard, now I feel like there is nothing
no hope. nada

I'm home and that's fun, 
I feel like finally I am back where I belong,
but I blew my chances at what I dreamed for
And now I fear I've lost something I use to fight for.

I lay awake at night wondering, thinking about what I have to do
and in the end I do nothing. 
Why?
Where is motivation? Where is my energy? My drive?
I want it badly, but I wasn't prepared as nearly as I could have been
and now, I get pushed on to go out and find something 
when all I want is a break, a retreat. 

Maybe I did waste five years. 
Maybe it was all for nothing.
Maybe I should had stayed home and went to a school that was sure to give me the "in"
But then I wouldn't know "alpha, delta" 
or have Dominic the donkey turn into a song about family & sisters
I wouldn't have friends who are more home to me then the ones I left behind

But for all that brightness, I wouldn't know the darker parts either
I wouldn't had fallen so hard, I wouldn't had to rebuild myself within the shadows of my mind
Would I be where I am now? Would things worked out differently?
I'm glad I went away and took the opportunity
and I kick myself for my blowing my only chance at my dream
and I wished my "sister" didn't break up my family,
and that all I have left to do is dream......

Sitting here with a chest pains. I have a hole in my heart where someone close once remained. I fought to keep it, I prayed it would come back. With glimpses I held on, I prayed. But nothing, nothing prevailed. And what I am suppose to do? Walk away? Say good bye to what was and what no longer will be. I saw this coming a mile away but I would had preferred to walk away in a fashion that would allow this piece to come back, to be refilled with something better & new. That can never happen now. Too much has happened and there is no more trust, no more respect, only disappointment and shame.

We had sunshine, we smiled and we made each other feel great when the world made us feel like shit.  Now it's you making me feel like I'm an inch tall, that I have no control. Though we both know I have more control then I realize and I am far bigger then an inch. How I wish I could tell you but you lie and I cannot trust your truth. You lied to others before about you and you lied before to others about me, and I always, because it was you looked away, because it was you I forgave the lies of the past. I cannot do that anymore, not this time. No. I cannot trust your reputable to my knowledge. You made it that way with your lack of respect and your inability to trust me, and the past I always knew you had.

I fought for you though, I protected you, gave everything I could to make you happy. Did you care then? Did you even once? Or was it all just a misunderstanding. My misunderstanding. Where I had truly something real, there was nothing more then pity, your lost cause you thought needed saving.  Yet, when the flamed red flags were thrown and I was in over my head, when I broke down and barely could crawl or remember who I was, where were you then? When I was lost in the darkness of the woods, how come you didn't feel sorry for me then? Did you not want to help save me? No. You just walked away...

But I didn't. Not when you broke, when you fell vomiting at the waste side. I held onto you, I wouldn't let you go. I fought for you. And it wasn't from pity or guilt, it was from love. I loved you, I had to save you. I refused to let you go and crawl upon broken glass, I refused to let you believe for one second you were alone. I did the complete opposite of what you did to me. The curse of being me.

No more though. No more saving. No more forgiving.  I cannot say no more loving, cause my heart won't let me stop but no more of this. I cannot and will not continue on with this lie. I have no choice, you left me none. Perhaps after I'm gone maybe then you'll see truth of the bed you made and are now forced to sleep in. Maybe then you'll truly miss me and your arrogance will subdue and perhaps then I'll look past the disappointment and shame, and take back what I once loved. Though I don't know. I do know though that this is no more and my chest will continue to mourn for what once felt to be home...

So, I'm packing up today to go back home next weekend. It's so strange because home really isn't home any more, so much has changed and to be honest I'm not thrilled about it in the least. Sure there are some things that I'm glad to be going home to but there are others that I'm not. People don't give a shit about repercussions with me and though in the beginning it's like oh we care but in the end no one does because what effects it has or thoughts i have are constantly thrown in my face in terms of it doesn't matter. My home is no longer my home. My friends there are not really my friends and the ones that are agree with me on my views on the situations and only to being able to be with them makes this process more bearable. Thank God for them.

It's nonsense really. There's no loyalty what so ever and if it wasn't for a few select people I'd never go home because of it. Seriously. Why should I? I've been pushed out and thrown away like a common piece of trash with no remorse only to be asked back and then smacked a crossed the face by people who hate it when others do it. So why do they do it? Because you feel you have a right to? Whatever, no one has a right to and the only reason some get away with it more then others is because i let them. I'm tired of letting. I'm tired of all this nonsense that home brings me. There are reasons why I went away, reasons why I always came home but those reasons are not existent now and have been replaced with new ones. And I'm back where I was when I was trying to decide what to do with the majority in me going away.  Too bad once again I have no say in the variants of my life and are forced to go home with the majority in me staying. 

Fuck it though. I'm hiding out and I'm staying. There is no life for me at "home", and I mean "home" as in the physical capacities of the walls that surrounded my childhood and yesteryear's. And with my home there hasn't been one for quite some time based on the same variables who made it that way for me and who now spill over to my other designated homes that they as well ultimately destroyed. And personally, I don't need the duel reminder every day. But God bless whatever may come just know I won't be around to witness it nor do I want to hear about it. I will be hiding out with my home that travels with me and takes me away from the nonsense that I will be subjected to for most likely for the rest of my days.

No, No, NO!
I don't want to go.
You can't make me! yes, you can 
and that's the part that hurts the most
I have no say, no power.
I did five years ago, I did when I was 19
and said 'Peace Out Long Island' 
and 'Hello Geneseo'

But it was only meant to be a temporary stay
I didn't know I would fall in love with this place
The people, the sounds, the essence that is this town
I don't want to go I want to stay!
I'm at the point where tears won't form
and my mind won't accept the fact
It refuses to see the truth,
that in less then a few more days,
Geneseo will be a far, far place
and I will soon be a forgotten memory
of a past that caused great pain
yet brought such great warmth.

I'll never again walk around at 4am
find a random snail walking up
cardiac hill
Dr. Suess will never greet me in the morning
and the recorded bells of Sturges will never ring for me
My name spray painted on a tree,
or a brick painted in my family colors
I don't wanna go... I wanna stay.

Dammit... Give me another degree!! But only if you promise the state will pay! =P